What a Baby Girl Means to Me

We finally found out today that our little mango is a GIRL! I can hardly stand it. Not only am I in complete and utter shock (I would have bet my life savings it was a boy) but I'm completely overwhelmed with what it means to bring a sweet daughter of God into this world. My first reaction was OMG, how am I going to do this? I know how to be the mom of a boy who climbs (and jumps off) everything, stomps, pushes, yells, and is just all around destructive. But what about a sensitive, tender, feisty, little drama queen?? I don't know how to do that! I know how to pick out bow ties, and blue t shirts, and gentlemen sweaters. Now, I've got to learn about dresses, and bows, and PINK. AHH!! I honestly considered the possibility that I would never have a daughter, that I'd always be a mom of boys. But now that this little daughter is a reality I cannot even begin to sort through my fears and excitement.

As the initial shock wore off I began to think of my relationship with my own mother, and my hopes and dreams for my relationship with my daughter. I was the youngest in my family and my mom and I were very close. We still are. Living far away from her hurts every single day. My mom and I did just about everything together. I never understood why my siblings resented her or didn't want to go grocery shopping with her. Most kids eventually grow up to be stupid teenagers who are embarrassed of their mom and don't want to be seen with her. But, I honestly don't remember feeling that even once. I loved going shopping with her, or to get pedicures, or just running errands. Sometimes I still hold her hand as we walk through a parking lot. Not for safety reasons (she's not that old), but because she's just my best friend. On a hard day I still ache to be wrapped in her arms. As I dropped my mom off at the airport this week and said goodbye for another few months I felt real physical pain. I just sobbed. But I had to pull it together quickly because, if you've ever driven to JFK you know, Jamaica Queens is not the place to have an emotional break down while driving.

From as early as I can remember, my mom has been my best friend. My biggest cheerleader, the kisser of my booboos, the fountain of advice/knowledge, my spiritual rock, and my role model as a mother. My relationship with her is still one of the sweetest, most important things in my life. I believe in myself because she believed in me first. I know I can do hard things because I watched her do hard things. So many aspects of who I am are a direct result of who she is and who she taught me to be. More than any other person in my life, she shaped me in to the woman and mother I am. 

This brings me to my fears about having a baby girl. I am completely terrified that this sweet baby girl will look at me when learning what it means to be a woman. I will be to her, what my mom is to me. Those are some massive, massive shoes to fill. Being a woman and a mother are the most important aspects of my life. They are roles that I hold most sacred. But, I'm so far from mastering them; how can I possibly be a little girl's first role model? Is it possible for me to have the impact on her that my mother had on me? I firmly believe that God uses women as a powerful source of good in this world. I feel so incredibly inadequate to raise one of His choice daughters. I know that she will come to me with the personality and characteristics that God wants for her. I just pray He continues to teach me so that I can be the mother she needs. 

I am honestly giddy at the possibility of having a daughter who is my best friend. I can't wait to take her shopping for a prom dress, plan a wedding, and hold her hand through childbirth. Just like my mom did with me.  I pray that my daughter and I will connect the way I do with my mom. That we can laugh and cry together, and that it will hurt to be apart. I hope that she wants me to be there for the big moments, but that we can also share the little moments. I know the day will come when my mom isn't with me anymore and I dread that day immensely. But it is one of my deepest hopes that when that happens, my daughter will be there to hold my hand and comfort me. I hope that our relationship will remind me of the silly, joyful, and cherished memories I have with my mother. On that day the most precious relationship I have won't end, but it will change. I will become my mother, and my daughter will become me. Hopefully, a much, much better version of me.

I've spent a lot of time picturing this girl; Imagining what it will be like to hold her in my arms. Imagining who she will be and what she will care about. I hope she is tender, and warm. Brave and confident. I want her love herself and love others. I want her to be funny and carefree, to live without fear.  I want her to be a light to her brother, to me, and to everyone in her life. I want her to find power in womanhood and motherhood. Most of all, I hope that she knows Christ and knows God's love for her. But lastly, I hope she has a sister some day. Because then I can write a mushy post about Bethany and how she shaped my life too and the hopes and dreams I have for them as sisters. 

XO
Sally

P.S. All my friends with little girls!! Tag me in your favorite InstaShops or send me links to your favorite girl clothes places. I'm ready to get my shop on!!

P.P.S. Gunner couldn't be happier about having a sister. He's been asking about his BeeBee SeeSah all day long. I know he's going to make an amazing big brother! I cannot wait to see them together!

Blogging and Stuff.

Blogging has been on my mind a lot lately. Like a lot. But every time I sit down at my computer to write, I get distracted by Jimmy Fallon videos or articles about Bruce Jenner's transition to a woman. I know, really classy Sally. But, it seems my brain wants to do anything but write. I don't always feel like I have something important, or meaningful to say. At least nothing I haven't said before. And with the bitter cold, snowy winter we haven't made it outside for adventures much lately. Our daily adventures are limited to tower building, goal scoring, potty training, and Gunner begging to help me cook breakfast/lunch/dinner.

While those experiences are thrilling to myself and my (almost) two year old counterpart, it's hard for me to imagine anyone cares to read about that. Every once in a while I have some sort of inspiration or experience worth writing about, but I usually just post about it on Instagram and call it a day.

I'm not exactly sure why my heart compels me to write or to blog. I don't know what I have to offer my readers. The only thing that feels important enough to write about is my experience as a mother.
Motherhood has been the most transformative experience of my life. I literally feel like I change and grow every single day as a Mom.

So, until the sun comes out and Gunner and I can get back to exploring and adventuring, I'm going to blog about whatever is on my heart. Most days that will probably be my triumphs and pitfalls in motherhood mingled with my take on bizarre pop culture stories. Everyone always says that life with little ones goes by too fast so I'm going to try to capture these sweet days and memories.

For those of you who read most of my posts, what do you want to read about? I really want this to be an interactive space where I can learn and grow from you guys! So your feedback would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading!

XO
SD

Throwback Thursday: Remembering 9/11

If you've been following my blog for the last year, its no secret that I have fallen in love with New York City. I love the people, the energy, the diversity, the food. Don't get me wrong, its a totally crazy place to live; but its also the best ever.

One of the places I was able to visit several times while living in New York was the 9/11 Memorial. If you've never done this, it is at the top of my list of must dos. I remember the first time we ventured down there. I was a little hesitant to go because I didn't really want to relive the thoughts and feelings I had as a young girl watching those buildings burn. But I immediately felt a change as I stepped foot on that hallowed ground. It is an overwhelmingly bittersweet experience.

I vividly remember watching the events unfold on television. As you walk through the neighborhood, you see street names and images you recognize from the news, and the scenes come flooding back into your mind. I immediately felt sick because I could see the people running from the building, the air thick with dust and debris, sirens whaling and people screaming.  I remember (or maybe imagined) a woman pushing a stroller, just like me. And I was brought to tears imagining how helpless and scary it would be. The world was literally coming crashing down around them, and all they could do was run.

There is a wall that is dedicated to the firefighters and police officers who lost their lives saving others. What heroic souls! I cannot even image what courage it would have taken to turn around and run back into the burning buildings. September 11, 2001 was the greatest single loss of rescue personnel in American History. While that is devastating, just imagine how many lives were saved because of those brave men and women. It's humbling that they were willing to make that sacrifice.

As I approached the site I was feeling somber and sick (and frankly scared.) But then the city fades away and this huge plaza opens up. Its full of trees and the sound of rushing water. The plaza is made up of two enormous reflecting pool waterfalls that sit in the original footprints of the twin towers. There are over 400 trees surrounding the waterfalls, many harvested from areas in Washington D.C. and Pennsylvania that were also attacked. There is one tree that is roped off and protected which is called The Survivor Tree. It was discovered in the rubble of Ground Zero, severely damaged and burned. They removed it from the site and it was cared for and replanted in 2010. It is now thriving in its original home. How miraculous!

The names of each individual lost are etched into the sides of the reflecting pools. Our most recent visit was in May while Zack's family was in town. We arrived just as the sun was going down and we were able to watch as the names began to light up and glisten in the darkness. Although the memorial is right in the middle of the hustling bustling Financial District of Lower Manhattan, the waterfalls and rustling leaves drown out the city noise and allow peace and serenity at the memorial.  The grand plaza proves that not only will we never forget, but we will always honor those who lost their lives.

While wandering the memorial, you look up and see a magnificent new building. The new One World Trade center is truly breathtaking and it quickly became my favorite building in the city.  Not only does it represent New York City as an icon in the skyline, but it represents America's rebirth from the ashes. We didn't just come back. We came back bigger, stronger, and more magnificent. It will always stand as a message to our enemies. You can try to break us down, but we will always rebuild and we will always overcome!

The resilience that New York City and America have shown since the attacks on September 11, 2001 makes me so proud to be an American and a temporary New Yorker. It is my prayer that America continues to grow and evolve, seeking to spread freedom, and working towards peace. I'm so glad we get to take Gunner here, to teach him about what happened, why it happened, and what it means to be an American. After all, our little ones are the future of America.

What are you memories from that day? How do you honor those who lost their lives for

our freedom?

XOXO

SD