What a Baby Girl Means to Me

We finally found out today that our little mango is a GIRL! I can hardly stand it. Not only am I in complete and utter shock (I would have bet my life savings it was a boy) but I'm completely overwhelmed with what it means to bring a sweet daughter of God into this world. My first reaction was OMG, how am I going to do this? I know how to be the mom of a boy who climbs (and jumps off) everything, stomps, pushes, yells, and is just all around destructive. But what about a sensitive, tender, feisty, little drama queen?? I don't know how to do that! I know how to pick out bow ties, and blue t shirts, and gentlemen sweaters. Now, I've got to learn about dresses, and bows, and PINK. AHH!! I honestly considered the possibility that I would never have a daughter, that I'd always be a mom of boys. But now that this little daughter is a reality I cannot even begin to sort through my fears and excitement.

As the initial shock wore off I began to think of my relationship with my own mother, and my hopes and dreams for my relationship with my daughter. I was the youngest in my family and my mom and I were very close. We still are. Living far away from her hurts every single day. My mom and I did just about everything together. I never understood why my siblings resented her or didn't want to go grocery shopping with her. Most kids eventually grow up to be stupid teenagers who are embarrassed of their mom and don't want to be seen with her. But, I honestly don't remember feeling that even once. I loved going shopping with her, or to get pedicures, or just running errands. Sometimes I still hold her hand as we walk through a parking lot. Not for safety reasons (she's not that old), but because she's just my best friend. On a hard day I still ache to be wrapped in her arms. As I dropped my mom off at the airport this week and said goodbye for another few months I felt real physical pain. I just sobbed. But I had to pull it together quickly because, if you've ever driven to JFK you know, Jamaica Queens is not the place to have an emotional break down while driving.

From as early as I can remember, my mom has been my best friend. My biggest cheerleader, the kisser of my booboos, the fountain of advice/knowledge, my spiritual rock, and my role model as a mother. My relationship with her is still one of the sweetest, most important things in my life. I believe in myself because she believed in me first. I know I can do hard things because I watched her do hard things. So many aspects of who I am are a direct result of who she is and who she taught me to be. More than any other person in my life, she shaped me in to the woman and mother I am. 

This brings me to my fears about having a baby girl. I am completely terrified that this sweet baby girl will look at me when learning what it means to be a woman. I will be to her, what my mom is to me. Those are some massive, massive shoes to fill. Being a woman and a mother are the most important aspects of my life. They are roles that I hold most sacred. But, I'm so far from mastering them; how can I possibly be a little girl's first role model? Is it possible for me to have the impact on her that my mother had on me? I firmly believe that God uses women as a powerful source of good in this world. I feel so incredibly inadequate to raise one of His choice daughters. I know that she will come to me with the personality and characteristics that God wants for her. I just pray He continues to teach me so that I can be the mother she needs. 

I am honestly giddy at the possibility of having a daughter who is my best friend. I can't wait to take her shopping for a prom dress, plan a wedding, and hold her hand through childbirth. Just like my mom did with me.  I pray that my daughter and I will connect the way I do with my mom. That we can laugh and cry together, and that it will hurt to be apart. I hope that she wants me to be there for the big moments, but that we can also share the little moments. I know the day will come when my mom isn't with me anymore and I dread that day immensely. But it is one of my deepest hopes that when that happens, my daughter will be there to hold my hand and comfort me. I hope that our relationship will remind me of the silly, joyful, and cherished memories I have with my mother. On that day the most precious relationship I have won't end, but it will change. I will become my mother, and my daughter will become me. Hopefully, a much, much better version of me.

I've spent a lot of time picturing this girl; Imagining what it will be like to hold her in my arms. Imagining who she will be and what she will care about. I hope she is tender, and warm. Brave and confident. I want her love herself and love others. I want her to be funny and carefree, to live without fear.  I want her to be a light to her brother, to me, and to everyone in her life. I want her to find power in womanhood and motherhood. Most of all, I hope that she knows Christ and knows God's love for her. But lastly, I hope she has a sister some day. Because then I can write a mushy post about Bethany and how she shaped my life too and the hopes and dreams I have for them as sisters. 

XO
Sally

P.S. All my friends with little girls!! Tag me in your favorite InstaShops or send me links to your favorite girl clothes places. I'm ready to get my shop on!!

P.P.S. Gunner couldn't be happier about having a sister. He's been asking about his BeeBee SeeSah all day long. I know he's going to make an amazing big brother! I cannot wait to see them together!

2013: Reason 1

If you have Facebook, go view your own timeline and there will be a new thing that says something like see your Year in Review. You guys, DO IT! I just did mine yesterday and I was overwhelmed. It shows you your top 20 posts from throughout the year and all the pictures you were tagged in and everything! My very first status of the year really stood out to me!

Omg. How spot on was I?!? 2013 was full of scary changes, big challenges... but also a lot of laughs and it really was full of an INSANE amount of joy! Reading over my year in review made me realize that 2013 has been so incredibly sweet to our family! I almost don't want it to end. But, I know, all good things must come to an end! So, I decided to do a little blog project this month:

I'm sure I could come up with more than 13, and realistically I won't finish this before the end of the year... but this year has been one of my absolute favorites so I want to make sure I have a record of the highlights! So here goes nothing!

I know a lot of women hate being pregnant and all the things that come with it! But I REALLY REALLY loved it! I puked for the majority of all three trimesters, I even passed out a few times. There were days I couldn't get out of bed, but none of that overshadowed my excitement to be growing a baby! A lot of you know I had a miscarriage in 2012 and that was a really really tough experience! But once I got pregnant again, every time I felt sick or tired I just tried to remember that those are the things that come with being pregnant and growing a healthy baby!  I was so so grateful for every second that I got to stay pregnant! Plus, getting to feel his kicks and his hiccups, and see his little face on the ultrasound...AHH! I loved it!

Thinking about having another baby has been on our minds a lot lately, but we both feel like its not quite time. I want to make sure that I'm really ready to commit and be excited about all the perils of pregnancy! I hope that I can be as happy and excited for the rest of my pregnancies! I feel like those 9 months FLEW by! I was so grateful to start 2013 off with a big baby-filled belly!

Another blessing that came along with pregnancy was a newfound respect for my body. I like to think my body issues are normal, but maybe they aren't. I've always had a really hard time loving my body. Not only the shape, but even as an athlete in high school, I always hated my body! I felt like it held me back. I was frustrated when I wasn't as fast or strong as others. This was something that was paralyzing in a lot of situations! I lacked confidence to do things because I was embarrassed about my body. It made me self-conscious when meeting new people. I thought for sure all they would notice was that I was Zack's chubby wife. Hahaha looking back I just cringe! How sad!? I hate that I limited myself so much because of these insecurities! 

Well, being pregnant changed a lot of that for me! For the first time in my life, I LOVED my body! I couldn't believe that MY BODY was so healthy and strong and was able to grow a baby! I mean when my belly was so big it was hiding my toes, it was also distracting me from my big butt and chubby legs! But, I realized that my body's purpose isn't to fit into the right size jeans, or be the right shape, but it's a source of life for me, and my growing baby! All of the sudden I recognized that my body was miraculous! Somehow it turned an egg and a sperm into a living, breathing human! I really learned to love and appreciate the little things (and big things) that my body does everyday to keep me and my baby alive! 

Even though I'm not pregnant anymore this experience has had a lasting effect on my attitude towards my body! It is far from "perfect", but its healthy! And I am grateful for that! (Plus I love food way too much to have a "perfect" body!) 

I have a few women I LOVE that have a hard time getting pregnant, or have experienced similar losses and I know that my ability to get and stay pregnant is a blessing to be treasured! I hope to never take it for granted!

I'm grateful that the choices we made led us to a place in life where we can celebrate creating a life! We were able to bring a child into this world with a mom and dad who love each other and love him! He has grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins who love him! I was able to better enjoy this experience because I knew Gunner was going to be a part of a big crazy loving family! We may not have it all together, but really together we have it all! Cheesy I know! But, even though we don't have a ton of savings and our life is crazy and always changing, being pregnant was one of the sweetest parts of 2013!!

What have been your favorite things about 2013? I'd love to hear from you guys! 

XOXO

SD