What a Baby Girl Means to Me

We finally found out today that our little mango is a GIRL! I can hardly stand it. Not only am I in complete and utter shock (I would have bet my life savings it was a boy) but I'm completely overwhelmed with what it means to bring a sweet daughter of God into this world. My first reaction was OMG, how am I going to do this? I know how to be the mom of a boy who climbs (and jumps off) everything, stomps, pushes, yells, and is just all around destructive. But what about a sensitive, tender, feisty, little drama queen?? I don't know how to do that! I know how to pick out bow ties, and blue t shirts, and gentlemen sweaters. Now, I've got to learn about dresses, and bows, and PINK. AHH!! I honestly considered the possibility that I would never have a daughter, that I'd always be a mom of boys. But now that this little daughter is a reality I cannot even begin to sort through my fears and excitement.

As the initial shock wore off I began to think of my relationship with my own mother, and my hopes and dreams for my relationship with my daughter. I was the youngest in my family and my mom and I were very close. We still are. Living far away from her hurts every single day. My mom and I did just about everything together. I never understood why my siblings resented her or didn't want to go grocery shopping with her. Most kids eventually grow up to be stupid teenagers who are embarrassed of their mom and don't want to be seen with her. But, I honestly don't remember feeling that even once. I loved going shopping with her, or to get pedicures, or just running errands. Sometimes I still hold her hand as we walk through a parking lot. Not for safety reasons (she's not that old), but because she's just my best friend. On a hard day I still ache to be wrapped in her arms. As I dropped my mom off at the airport this week and said goodbye for another few months I felt real physical pain. I just sobbed. But I had to pull it together quickly because, if you've ever driven to JFK you know, Jamaica Queens is not the place to have an emotional break down while driving.

From as early as I can remember, my mom has been my best friend. My biggest cheerleader, the kisser of my booboos, the fountain of advice/knowledge, my spiritual rock, and my role model as a mother. My relationship with her is still one of the sweetest, most important things in my life. I believe in myself because she believed in me first. I know I can do hard things because I watched her do hard things. So many aspects of who I am are a direct result of who she is and who she taught me to be. More than any other person in my life, she shaped me in to the woman and mother I am. 

This brings me to my fears about having a baby girl. I am completely terrified that this sweet baby girl will look at me when learning what it means to be a woman. I will be to her, what my mom is to me. Those are some massive, massive shoes to fill. Being a woman and a mother are the most important aspects of my life. They are roles that I hold most sacred. But, I'm so far from mastering them; how can I possibly be a little girl's first role model? Is it possible for me to have the impact on her that my mother had on me? I firmly believe that God uses women as a powerful source of good in this world. I feel so incredibly inadequate to raise one of His choice daughters. I know that she will come to me with the personality and characteristics that God wants for her. I just pray He continues to teach me so that I can be the mother she needs. 

I am honestly giddy at the possibility of having a daughter who is my best friend. I can't wait to take her shopping for a prom dress, plan a wedding, and hold her hand through childbirth. Just like my mom did with me.  I pray that my daughter and I will connect the way I do with my mom. That we can laugh and cry together, and that it will hurt to be apart. I hope that she wants me to be there for the big moments, but that we can also share the little moments. I know the day will come when my mom isn't with me anymore and I dread that day immensely. But it is one of my deepest hopes that when that happens, my daughter will be there to hold my hand and comfort me. I hope that our relationship will remind me of the silly, joyful, and cherished memories I have with my mother. On that day the most precious relationship I have won't end, but it will change. I will become my mother, and my daughter will become me. Hopefully, a much, much better version of me.

I've spent a lot of time picturing this girl; Imagining what it will be like to hold her in my arms. Imagining who she will be and what she will care about. I hope she is tender, and warm. Brave and confident. I want her love herself and love others. I want her to be funny and carefree, to live without fear.  I want her to be a light to her brother, to me, and to everyone in her life. I want her to find power in womanhood and motherhood. Most of all, I hope that she knows Christ and knows God's love for her. But lastly, I hope she has a sister some day. Because then I can write a mushy post about Bethany and how she shaped my life too and the hopes and dreams I have for them as sisters. 


P.S. All my friends with little girls!! Tag me in your favorite InstaShops or send me links to your favorite girl clothes places. I'm ready to get my shop on!!

P.P.S. Gunner couldn't be happier about having a sister. He's been asking about his BeeBee SeeSah all day long. I know he's going to make an amazing big brother! I cannot wait to see them together!


Blogging and Stuff.

Blogging has been on my mind a lot lately. Like a lot. But every time I sit down at my computer to write, I get distracted by Jimmy Fallon videos or articles about Bruce Jenner's transition to a woman. I know, really classy Sally. But, it seems my brain wants to do anything but write. I don't always feel like I have something important, or meaningful to say. At least nothing I haven't said before. And with the bitter cold, snowy winter we haven't made it outside for adventures much lately. Our daily adventures are limited to tower building, goal scoring, potty training, and Gunner begging to help me cook breakfast/lunch/dinner.

While those experiences are thrilling to myself and my (almost) two year old counterpart, it's hard for me to imagine anyone cares to read about that. Every once in a while I have some sort of inspiration or experience worth writing about, but I usually just post about it on Instagram and call it a day.

I'm not exactly sure why my heart compels me to write or to blog. I don't know what I have to offer my readers. The only thing that feels important enough to write about is my experience as a mother.
Motherhood has been the most transformative experience of my life. I literally feel like I change and grow every single day as a Mom.

So, until the sun comes out and Gunner and I can get back to exploring and adventuring, I'm going to blog about whatever is on my heart. Most days that will probably be my triumphs and pitfalls in motherhood mingled with my take on bizarre pop culture stories. Everyone always says that life with little ones goes by too fast so I'm going to try to capture these sweet days and memories.

For those of you who read most of my posts, what do you want to read about? I really want this to be an interactive space where I can learn and grow from you guys! So your feedback would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading!