As we rang in the New Year I started thinking about resolutions (duh. Who doesn't?) I took inventory of all the aspects of my life that need improvement. Keep the house cleaner, read to Gunner more, read my scriptures more, get fit, spend more time with Zack, write more letters, eat healthier, be a better friend, be a better daughter, be a better sister, do family history, take better pictures, okay blah blah blah you get the point. The list was endless.
As I laid in bed I broke into a cold sweat thinking about how scrambled my life is. I felt guilty and embarrassed that as a wife and mother, I don't have it all together. I'm still not sure where all of these feelings of incompetence were coming from.
When I'm home around my mom and sister, whose lives are so different from mine, I get a little jealous or maybe just insecure. I see all the stability in their lives and in comparison, my life is pretty disorganized and chaotic. These are the women I look up to the most; the women I most want to be like. But my life is different. I don't own a home, we are living on student loans, I'm away from family, our future is very uncertain. As I make this list in my head, all those things are bad things, or trials. But then I read them back and can see that these are some of the best things about my life. They are the things that make my life special, unique, exciting!
So as I lay awake, restless, I decided, I'll take on only one resolution this year. I'm going to love MY life more. Just because my life is different from my mom and sister and friends, and far from what I expected for myself, that doesn't mean it's wrong, or bad! It's just different and different is good.
Here's a shot from my instagram:
I think that accountability is KEY in keeping my New Years Resolutions. So, since we're about a quarter into 2014, I thought I'd do a quick update on how I've learned to love my life more!
1. STOP COMPARING.
Just stop. Your life is your life and you'll never have anyone else's life. So accept it. I look at my mom's current situation and it's very different from mine! In fact it's very different from the majority of her own life. Her years as a young mother were spent much like mine! Traveling, picking up and moving, scraping by financially, supporting an ambitious husband. How could I possibly expect my life at 23 to be anything like my mother's at 57? She has spent the last 30+ years building the life she has. Maybe I'll have it someday, but not today. This is my life today and comparing the hardest parts of my life with the best parts of other people's is self-defeating and frankly, stupid!
2. SET YOUR PRIORITIES
Think of the things in your life you can control and have the most influence on your happiness. It may be: get more sleep, try new things, pursue your goals. Whatever it is (pick just one at a time) and make it a priority! Since it's winter and we spend a LOT of time in our apartment, I decided to make housework a bigger priority. For me, a messy house is a chaotic house! My mom and sister are probably laughing out loud because I have a history of being a slob. But that's one aspect of my personality I have decided to work on! I made myself a list of five things that must happen each week, then assigned them to a weekday. Each day, that is my, "if I get nothing else done today, atleast I ______" (did laundry, cleaned the bathroom, sanitized the kitchen, floors, decluttered something). I have been making lists about what is really important to me (I'm a list person. Can you tell?). That way when I want to lay on the couch and catch up on the new season of modern family I can decide, will this really make me happier than a sparkling clean bathtub? Half the time the answer is yes. Yes it will. But organizing my priorities has helped my life feel a little less out of control.
3. LOVE YOURSELF
Mom guilt is everywhere. Even reading articles about how stupid mommy guilt is makes me feel guilty. We should be doing more, we should be doing less, we should be doing better. Aye aye aye!! How about slow down for a second and just be you. Not a wife. Not a mom. Not an employee. Just you. I have started going to the gym. Again, people who know me are rolling on the floor laughing because I have passionately hated exercise
for the majority of my life. But I decided one day that I needed a half hour to myself. I decided to go down to the gym in our building (how lucky are we!!!) and walk on the treadmill and watch whatever daytime television happens to be on! And you know what? I have actually started looking forward to my Mon, Wed, Fri workouts. I run now! I lift weights. And I LOVE it! I haven't started dropping big lbs yet or anything (that probably has something to do with the cookies I bake once a week!) But ultimately, I've just taken a little time out to just be Sally and do something that is really good for ME. I feel like I'm a better mother and wife when I'm loving myself. A big part of loving myself is shutting down the negative dialogue that I have going through my head all day. I think this is something a lot of women face. In fact, I think it's one of Satans trickiest tools against us powerful and strong women! When I see a skinny or pretty lady I start to think of all the ways my body sucks. When I make a mistake, I dwell on it and assume everyone thinks I'm a huge idiot. I have had to work hard to shut down those ugly thoughts and remember that I am a daughter of God who was fearfully and wonderfully made. I deserve my own love and respect as much as I deserve anyone else's!
A new habit I've been working on forming is writing more. My nephew gave me the coolest journal for Christmas. He even made me these amazing bookmarks with sweet messages. It's probably one of my top 5 favorite Christmas gifts of all time. It has inspired me to write more! I used to feel like I should only write the really important things down. Or sometimes I felt like my journal needed to flow like a book and I needed to include all the details of everything that's ever happened to me.Well that's pretty overwhelming and I usually gave up because it was impossible. But I decided last month to write stories. Real life stories, from my day to day life. Just the simple things I experienced that day. A funny thing Gunner did, or the weird lady I met on the train, or a thought that I had. I have had so much better success with this. I don't feel pressured to write something meaningful, or include all the related back stories. These are just tidbits from my everyday real life. I like to think my grand kids will enjoy reading random and ordinary stories from the life of a young mom in New York City. I wish I had something like that from my grandparents or great grandparents! The benefit of writing these things is that it has helped me find inspiration and clarity in my life. As I dwell on the events of my day, (mostly the positive ones, but not always!) while writing, I can better reflect on why they happened, or how they've affected my future. Writing has helped me take apart the pieces and put them back together again, exposing details and purpose that could have been overlooked. This leads me to my last tip.
Find purpose in your life as a whole; and equally important, find purpose in your life's small moments. Our lives are comprised of billions of moments working together for our own good. To mold and shape us; to perfect us. Each moment, each experience is an opportunity to grow, to make us better. If you believe you are here, in this exact place, in this exact moment, for a reason, you will not allow significant things to become insignificant. For most of my day, I find purpose in being a mother. I know that I'm doing the most important job I could possibly do! When Gunner doesn't go down for his nap, or he falls and bruises his face, or he climbs into my lap with a book. Those moments aren't insignificant. These moments are the building blocks of what my experience of motherhood is. I find the majority of my purpose and direction through my relationship with God. Whether you believe in God, or you believe in science, or Karma, or Buddha, believe in something. Whatever you choose to devote your life to make sure you're doing something that matters. Nothing brings great joy and peace into our lives than when we are doing something that matters!
Honestly, it's been a tough couple of weeks. These things have definitely helped me love my life, but I've been struggling a bit more lately. How do you guys find joy in your life? I'd love to hear your tips for loving life! Anyone else still holding on to their new years resolution? This is seriously the first time I've made it past January!
My goals for moving forward with this resolution is to focus more on being grateful! I know that gratitude changes everything and I'm hoping to get a little better at being thankful!
XOXO
SD
P.S. Please Pin away on these quotes I made. They were sort of an experiment, but I think like how most of them turned out! I'm still learning.
